Benadryl (Diphenhydramine)

Wedding-Fueled Anxiety and Insomnia

About a month ago, Ryan proposed to me (I said yes). Things were wonderful until a week or two later when I started to do some preliminary wedding planning. I figured we’d just set a budget, choose a venue, set a date, and then put the whole thing on hold for awhile. No big deal, right? Well, as soon as I started looking into locations, I became overwhelmed by the cost, and so irritated that even if I suck it up and drop $20-$30k on five-hour event, venues still impose all these restrictive policies that make it impossible to find a single place where I’d like — and can afford — to get married.

I know what you’re thinking: uh-oh, bridezilla has reared her ugly head. But I am actually voting to elope. It’s Ryan who wants the big day. I’d prefer a $20k roof deck. So what has the result of all this been? I am in my third week of insomnia.  I have banned all mention of the W-word. But even that hasn’t helped. Because, as any of you who have experienced more than a few days of insomnia knows, the fear of not being able to sleep replaces the original anxiety that was keeping you awake in the first place. I have tried melatonin, wine, Benadryl, wine and Benadryl, wine and Benadryl and meditation, melatonin and meditation, and Xanax. The Benadryl is beginning to lose its efficacy (hence the wine chaser), and after a few days it gets me so amped up and aggro that I feel like I’m going to kill someone. I fantasize about killing someone. So no more Benadryl. I slept with the Xanax, but felt so stoned and detached the next day that I wished someone would kill me.

The thing is, I know I can sleep. I’ve been doing it every night for 35 years. I just need to break this ridiculous pattern and convince my brain to let go of the worry and dread that now accompanies bedtime. So yesterday I went to a cognitive behavioral therapist, hoping we can kick this anxiety thing to the curb. Of course, as I know, he tells me that these things can take months and suggested, in the meantime, a little Ambien. Hell, why not? As for the W-word, I consider it a huge step that I’m even writing about it here. Since I’ve got something else keeping me up at night, I figure what’s the harm? Bring it on. Next on my wedding to-do list: find a wedding planner who will do it all for me.

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